The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
