i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
