I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead