One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart