Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?