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You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
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