Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
