wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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