So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
