At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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