You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
