wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
