I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
