I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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