Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
