I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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