2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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