I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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