Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
