I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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