I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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