Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
