he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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