Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
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If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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