you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
