There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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