so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So here I am, sexting at work.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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