I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
