Yo dont text me then not text me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
