I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
