so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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