Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
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Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
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do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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