Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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