If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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