I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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