I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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