Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
