Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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