I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
