she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
