I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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