i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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