As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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