I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
the liver wants what the liver wants
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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