Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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