Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
