Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
