this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
