omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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