I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
