What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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