i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
