mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
so much tequila, so little girl.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
