But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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