Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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