This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
