the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
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afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
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I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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