i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
