We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
