Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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