I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
