I'm going to jail i love you
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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