I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
