I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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